I will preface this post with three
thoughts.
One…..I have actually written quite a
few posts in the last six months but didn’t publish some them. The ones I didn’t publish were pretty painful
to write, kind of personal and I just was not ready to put them out there for
public consumption. Of course now that I
do feel ready, it feels weird to publish them because although they are dark
and sad posts, they don’t really describe my current state of mind and I don’t
want an outpouring of pity and sympathy.
Two…..for the last few months, I have
been sincerely selfish and self-absorbed.
This is really not like me and there is no good defense for this kind of
behaviour. Everyone goes through stuff,
you still need to be a good person and treat other people well. I mean, I haven’t been a monster or anything
like that, but it’s been the Laura Show and I am aware that I have been
completely insensitive to everyone else’s feelings…..at work, at home, with
friends, with my family…everywhere. I
don’t know how to explain what I had been going through with therapy gearing up
for weight loss surgery without it sounding like, “what I am experiencing, none
of you can possibly understand because you’ve never been through anything as
intense or as real as what I am currently experiencing”. Life is intense, everyone hurts, people experience
some real shit and get through it. You
have. I have. I am right now.
Ok third….I started this blog committed
to being completely and totally honest. No bullshit.
A few posts in, I realized I still have to sensor myself because I don’t
want to hurt anyone I care about. The
stuff I write doesn’t just affect me, it isn’t about just me…it’s about the
people in my life, too. And they did not
commit to being 100% bullshit free, and they did not agree to expose themselves
on the internet like I’m doing. Also,
being totally honest doesn’t mean I have to lay every single detail out
there. There are some things most people
really don’t want to know and I don’t want them to, either! I figure if anyone wants more details, they’ll
ask me, and I’m ok with that. Please don’t
worry about asking questions….especially if you’re considering a sleeve and
need more information.
With all that said, here’s a brief
overview what’s been going on the last few months.
My gastric sleeve surgery date was set
for January 6/14 but when my surgeon submitted the request to my insurance
company, the request was denied based on the universal “not medically necessary”
justification. I disagreed. So I wrote a (clearly) convincing appeal and
the decision was over turned in December, so surgery was a go and I had my
surgery on the set date at Rochester General.
I was in the hospital for 3 days.
I was on a clear liquid diet for 2 weeks (my last day of real food and
alcohol for a year was New Year’s Eve).
The only “complication” I had was an
excessive amount of scar tissue that had re-grown down my abdominal wall from
previous surgeries. Some of you may
remember that in June, my surgeon removed all that in preparation for this surgery,
so you can imagine how frustrated he was when he discovered it had all just
re-grown. That made the surgery an hour
longer than it would have been and very nearly made it necessary for my surgeon
to covert the laproscopic surgery to an open surgery, which would have sucked
so badly. Luckily for me, he was able to
complete the surgery laproscopically. I
have 10 (I think) 1-3 inch incisions all over my abdomen. They were closed up with staples so for the
first week and a half, it felt like I had tiny zippers all over me. It was kind of fascinating but also kind of
creepy.
I had some pain but not as much as I
thought I would have. It felt like I had
been kicked in the stomach a thousand times.
That’s it. It was a dull ache. I healed very quickly and very easily. I guess I’m lucky but I am also an old pro
when it comes to surgery…I know the drill.
The more you get up and walk, the faster you will heal. Drink as much water as you can. Manage your pain. Don’t lay in bed and rot…get up and do as
much as you can for yourself. Keep a
positive attitude. Stay focused on your
goals. Push yourself, but don’t hurt
yourself. I didn’t let people come and
visit me, with the exception of Sam, who checked in briefly once a day, and one
other friend who was so stubborn, I couldn’t stop him. I made my parents stay home. I’d rather just rest when I need to and do
what I need to do than sit and “visit” all day when I am sick.
When I was discharged, my surgeon gave
me a prescription for a huge bottle of liquid pain medication, but I didn’t
need it at all by the time I got home. I
was also given a prescription for an acid blocker that I need to take, in
addition to a chewable multi-vitamin, twice a day. The acid blocker is for 6 months. The multi-vitamin is forever. (Because of my experience with the lap band,
I was already taking multi-vitamins, folic acid, vitamin D, vitamin B12 and
iron. Weight loss surgery – all WLS -
leaves you vitamin deficient…not much you can do about it except supplement. But it is really important to
supplement your diet with vitamins or you’ll suffer all kinds of unpleasant
side effects including hair loss. Trust
me, I know from experience.)
I got to have a shower right away when
I got home, which was fantastic! It was
difficult to lie down in my own bed at first, so I slept in the living room in
a recliner for the first few nights. When
I started to go back to my own bed, it was difficult to lie on my side but that
also got easier within a couple of nights.
I transitioned from a liquid diet to a pureed diet sooner than expected. I got my staples out 10 days after surgery
and no, it didn’t hurt at all getting them out.
I was pleasantly surprised…….I really did not feel a thing!
I was so excited to start pureed when
I did but now I am so done with it. I’ve
been eating stuff like creamy polenta, mashed potatoes, pureed butternut squash
or turnip, scrambled eggs (which were my saving grace), cottage cheese,
ricotta, apple sauce (with no extra sugar), Chobani 100 (less sugar than their
usual). In other words, as you might
expect from “pureed” food, anything soft and mushy. Mostly stuff the surgeon wants you to STOP eating as soon as you're done the pureed stage. I started to add new foods about a week ago
and today I am officially onto full food again.
The idea now is to try one
or two new things a day. Re-introduce
whole food into my diet slowly. I can
eat about a cup of food at a time and that should translate into about 800
calories a day for the losing weight stage.
I use an online tool to help me figure out how many calories, how much
protein, how many carbs, how much sugar, etc. I’m eating. I should not drink alcohol for a year, no
caffeine, no carbonation, no drinking calories, no drinking at all for 30
minutes before or after eating and no grazing (which is a huge challenge for me
– that’s how I like to eat!). Protein shakes should not be consumed…calories
and nutrition should now come from whole, clean food. And drink lots of water....as much water as I can.
I am not yet cleared for lifting. So far I have been focused on just walking
and moving. I park further away at the
office, get up every hour from my desk, go up and down stairs at home….normal
things that you always hear people talk about doing to be healthier. I am psyched to start a real exercise
routine, but honestly I was intimidated to walk into a gym. I decided that instead of
joining a regular gym, and taking my chances on a random personal trainer, I’m going to become a client of Dr. Steve Comella, who is an anesthesiologist at Rochester General. He and a body building friend of his started
a lifestyle management service. They will put
together a personalized nutrition and exercise plan to help their clients accomplish their
goals. They’ll be my nutritionists,
personal trainers and cheerleaders. I’ve
have access to their gym.
Everyone asks me: so how am I doing so
far and what are my goals? Honestly, I
could not care less about numbers on a scale.
I have never been thin in my life and I never will be and I have never been the kind of woman who weighs herself constantly. I refuse to let some number tell me when I should be happy or feel beautiful or strong or healthy. So I don’t judge my progress by that at all. I know that when I reach my goal, I will
still be a larger woman than "society" or the health/fitness industry would like, and I am ok with that.
I'm more than ok with that! I like my curves and I want to keep them. That said, I weigh myself once a week just so I can answer the question. As of this morning, since surgery I’ve lost
30 pounds. Pre-surgery I lost 20. So 50 total so far. I’m not complaining! Fabulous start, feel better already.
My goal is to live a full life without
my size or fitness level getting in the way.
For example, I want to get back on a horse. I want to be able to travel and not worry
about what I can and cannot do. I want
to run up a flight of stairs and not feel like I’m going to die. I just want to feel proud of my body and
myself and not feel like am imposter in my own life. And I want to feel strong, like I can take
care of myself physically in any situation.
I also want to do what I can to protect my body from the ravages of
weight loss surgery. This process is
tough on a body…especially a body over 40 who has been obese for more half of
that. I’m focused on taking care of my
skin, drinking lots of water, building muscle, maintaining a positive attitude and clean lifestyle and eating healthy food.
You know, I said earlier that I have
been really selfish the last few months and it’s unusual for me. The thing is, this is the first time in my
adult life I have respected myself at all.
I guess I’m figuring out how to balance being kind to others and to
myself simultaneously. I am truly excited about my future, excited
about myself and don’t regret my history…..for the first time! I am finally comfortable enough with myself
and my experiences to really explore. So
yeah I feel selfish, but I also kind of don’t.
These are choices I’m making based on the “now” and I am not making them
lightly or maliciously to hurt anyone else.
I regret that other people may get hurt by my choices……but I’m just trying
to be true to myself, trying to be my most authentic self and I am fully
considering the consequences before choosing.
Thus, I have become a weight loss
surgery cliché….although a bit sooner than most. Sam and I are ending our marriage. This really is the best thing for both of
us. It has become clear since we have been living together that we don’t really bring out the best in each other and although I am
the one who made the conscious choice to end it, neither of us have been happy for most
of the 2 years we’ve been married. This may seem like sudden news, but I assure you, it is not. We both got married with the best intentions and for the right reasons. But sometimes things don't work out the way you hope.
I will always cherish the time I spent dating and married to Sam. With him, I have travelled to places I hadn’t been before, learned things I would not have learned otherwise and of course made my way to the States, specifically Rochester, which (even though I didn’t really want to move to the States) has changed my life forever. Knowing him has made me a better person and I am hopeful we will always be friends and in each other’s lives.
These things are true about me:I will always cherish the time I spent dating and married to Sam. With him, I have travelled to places I hadn’t been before, learned things I would not have learned otherwise and of course made my way to the States, specifically Rochester, which (even though I didn’t really want to move to the States) has changed my life forever. Knowing him has made me a better person and I am hopeful we will always be friends and in each other’s lives.
·
I hate hunting but feel strongly that everyone should be able to catch
and kill their own food.
·
If we all did have to catch and kill our own food, I’d be a vegetarian· I wrote an essay on slaughterhouses once and then stopped eating meat for 5 years
· There’s nothing better than a rare rib eye steak
· I’m a hypocrite. I know it.
· I am obsessed with Law and Order and almost all crime/courtroom tv shows and movies
· I don’t believe in capital punishment
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