"Let's Swim to the Moon, Let's Climb Through the Tide." - The Doors

Right now, I’m so sick of hearing my own voice.  I’m sick of hearing myself say things out loud.  I’m sick of the constant chatter in my head.  I’m sick of writing emails and Facebook posts.  And I’m kinda sick of my blog posts.  Once I finish one, I can’t bear to go back and read it again.  I can’t take re-visiting my own angst.  I just want to be quiet for a while and not speak…..no talking, no thinking - just doing and evolving.

Other people’s voices can also have the same effect on me.  I don’t want to make polite conversation about the weather and traffic or go around and around discussing the same solutions to the same little problems at work over and over.  None of it matters to me right now at all.  If we can talk about something that matters, great.  (And by “talk”, I mean discuss like civilized adults……I do not mean insult each other like children because someone disagrees with us over politics, ‘cos I don’t care about that either.)  The only thing that matters is what really matters…..everything else is just noise pollution (and yes, I get to decide what matters to me).

In some ways, my world has gotten very small, very simple.  Like a pre-teen, I’m experiencing a growth spurt.  I don’t want anything to disrupt that.  But my world has also gotten a lot bigger, ‘cos I’m doing more, trying more, open to more, living more, searching for more, wanting more, expecting more, meeting more people, hearing more stories….

I need more fun in my life, I really do.  I desperately want it too.  I need the sun on my face and giddy, silly adventures and hysterical laughter and carefree afternoons…but behind every adventure, the dark cloud of reality follows me.  I can’t seem to shake it.  For every positive story and experience I’m drawn into, there are 10 dark ones that I just have to know about.  I’m constantly drawn to the most depressing stories I find…you know, stories like how unwanted birds at chicken factories are buried alive in mass graves or how terrorists beheaded yet another American journalist.  I feel like I need to read these stories, like I HAVE to know about them….as if to deny horrible things happen in the world or not care that horrible things happen in the world is wrong.

Right about now, I know what you’re probably thinking as you read this. I’m thinking it too…….I know what my problem is.  It’s always been the same.  I think way too much.   I worry too much.  I take everything – including myself - SO seriously.   It’s such a drag.  That’s why I need to try and be quiet for awhile.

In addition to the depressing stories I have always been drawn to, these days I spend a lot of time thinking about habits.  No, not the kind of habit a nun wears…I’m talking about the behavior patterns we all manage to acquire and perform until they become automatic.  And habits are not a fun subject.  There’s nothing sexy about habits.  At first glance, they’re not even worth thinking about, but if you really stop and think about it, you realize how fascinating habits actually are.  If you analyze why you do a certain thing every day at the same time in the same way or why you do something at all, you’ll see something about yourself you never saw before.

I started thinking about habits after my sleeve surgery, obviously.  I had to.  My old way of doing things was just not going to work anymore if I wanted to get the most out of my sleeve.  Then I started reading a blog called “The Happiness Project” and the author of that blog, Gretchen Rubin, is kind of obsessed with habits.  She writes about habits, among other things, a lot.
As I started to think about habits, I realized just how important good habits are for a free-spirited, rebellious individual like myself.  Left to my own devices, my day is pretty chaotic.  Everything is “fly by the seat of my pants”.  I do everything on a whim.  I need structure.  I need habits.  My week nights are very structured now.  I get home from work usually around 6:30.  I change for the gym, eat a snack, relax for a short time then head out to the gym at 7:30.  I come home around 9, eat dinner – usually 2 scrambled or poached eggs – and go to bed as early as I can make myself. 

In the last month or so, I realized I have started to REALLY like Saturdays.  Like everyone else, I look forward to the weekends but lately I’ve been noticing I love Saturdays even more than I used to.  Then I realized why…it’s because I get up and meet my trainer at the gym at 10am.  Sam is usually at his girlfriend’s  house on weekends so I get up, look after the dogs, have a snack and go.  When I come home, I have the house to myself, look after the dogs again, shower, make some food (usually breakfast even though it's after noon) and relax with coffee on the couch.  My day has structure, purpose.  See, I used to just sleep in, then wake up whenever and have no real purpose to the day. These are all new habits for me and they really make my day.

I have to admit, it was not easy forcing myself to accept these new habits.  I didn’t want such a regimented schedule just like I did not want such a regimented diet.  But the more I talked to people at the gym about their lifestyles, the more I realized most people don’t become healthy and in shape by accident.  They work at it every single day and they do and eat the same things over and over.  So that’s what I started to do too. 

Another thing Rubin writes about often is whether we should accept ourselves the way we are or challenge ourselves to be more.  This is another one of those ideas that has been on my mind for many months, mostly as it relates to body love and weight loss.  I don’t know how many articles I’ve read that support the idea of loving yourself and your body the way it is right now at this very moment.  As I’ve said before in another post, there’s something about this idea that really rubs me the wrong way.   Of course I want to love my body and myself...and, it's complicated, but I mostly do.  But I know I can do and be better.  To me, it is not contradictory to love my body and also expect more.  That expectation comes from a place of love.

I also really dislike the complacency implied in the idea of “accept/love yourself as you are”.  One of my fellow weight loss surgery patients who got her sleeve a year ago has said her obesity was caused by “complacency disease” and I can completely see that.  I feel like it’s giving up and being a bit of a victim to just accept something, whether it’s your body or some other part of you or some other situation in your life.  “Acceptance” implies that what you are right now is all you’ll ever be and all you’re capable of, which isn't true.  It also implies that everyone else should not expect anything from you, and you should never expect or hope for anything from yourself either, which I find really sad.  I mean, there are times in life where hope and expectation are the only things to look forward to.  

Another blog I regularly read is “Girls Gone Strong”.  It’s a community of women in the fitness industry who write articles on fitness and wellness in general and weight lifting specifically.  One of these articles contained some words of wisdom I could really identify with:

“Initially, my own desire to improve and transform came
from a VERY unhealthy place.  I just thought that
I wasn’t enough. Those thoughts looped in my
brain over and over and over again, and led me to a
place of negativity, fear and self-loathing.”

That, of course, hits home for me.  I received quite a bit of negative feedback after my last post related to body image some months ago.  A lot of people think the act itself of having weight loss surgery is an act of hatred against your body.......and I’ve done it, twice.  I’ve heard the expression, “You can’t hate yourself to happiness” and I really started to wonder if that’s what I was trying to do.  

But no, I had weight loss surgery not because I hate my body but because I love my body and myself and know I can be better…what’s wrong with that?  I hired a trainer because I love my body, and I want it to be the best it can be.  The obese body I had and still have doesn’t reflect self-love…in fact it only reflects my previous self-hatred, my violent and reckless history…..so why would anyone think that's good enough for me and that I should accept myself the way I am?  I should accept self-hatred?  I don't think so.

Indulge me for a moment while I get  bit self-righteous. I really just think we are ALL – every single person alive - capable of so much more than what we are right now.  Our potential for greatness is limitless.   Even people who already  live crazy awesome lives and do amazing things are capable of doing more and they know it….that’s why they live crazy awesome lives and do amazing things.  Because they can.  And they know they can.  So they do.

For example, my photojournalist friend Kris doesn’t go, “Hey remember that first time I went to the Amazon and talked my way into places no white girl has ever been before and  almost got killed five times trying to photograph that village? Yeah well that’s it for me…..  I’m gonna milk that story about how I fell into the anaconda nest and had to ditch my boots for all it’s worth for the rest of my life while I sit here in my rocking chair and wait to die.”  No…she knows she can  do more, be more, IS more so she does not “accept herself the way she is”….she constantly puts herself out there and takes huge risks and allows her experiences to carve into her and shape her into a new person.  And then she does it again and again and again.  I admire that.  I more than admire that. She is amazing and I wanna be like her.  I want everyone I know to be like her and have amazing stories to tell about the fantastic life they are living.

I’m not saying we all have to go to the Amazon to live up to our potential.  But no matter what kinds of lives we have, no matter what kinds of bodies we have, no matter what kinds of people we are, no matter what our circumstances in life, I know for sure, we all have SO MUCH POTENTIAL so why aren’t  we trying harder?  I don’t mean in our careers or to get more money or bigger houses or whatever.  I’m not talking about elevating our social class or financial status.  I’m not talking about the never ending quest for perfection.   Those things are all temporary…an illusion.  No one on their death bed is going to go, “wow, I am so happy I made VP!”.

I’m talking about on a basic level, as human beings who have the power to shape the world around us, why aren’t we trying harder to constantly challenge our limits and define our desires and carve out a life we dare to imagine and fight like hell to be the best version of ourselves that we can be?  Instead of constantly rewarding ourselves for doing the bare minimum, for being mediocre, we should WANT to reach for the stars.  We should be focusing on our own internal selves instead of constantly criticizing or analyzing what we see externally.  We are so busy commenting on what we look like, what others look like and do but we don’t spend much time recognizing our own individual potential and striving to be better human beings.  At least that’s how it seems.  That’s how I feel about myself.

When I think about how I felt after I lost 100 pounds with the lap band 10 years ago, I realize I was focused on the idea of “being happy” but I never went deeper with that idea.  Happiness was all about the present moment.  I never thought about habits and I never thought about pushing myself to be more, to live up to my potential.  I didn't even think about what my potential was.  I just accepted the weight loss that came easy to me and I accepted a life of constantly being sick and a diet of ice cream and chips because they were easy to swallow and I thought I was successful and happy.  That was good enough at the time and I assumed that since I was happy in the moment that I would be happy for ever, and I felt entitled to that happiness. This thinking concerns me quite a bit and I don’t want to fall into that again so I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about what it is that would make me deeply and truly happy and how to make that happen, because I know for sure I have to work for it.  It isn’t just going to fall in my lap.

The first thing I MUST do to be deeply happy is reach my weight loss and fitness goals....this is non-negotiable.  That is really the only thing that truly matters to me right now because virtually every other thing stems from that.  Without that, everything else falls down.  If I can’t live the life I want then I’m watching others do the things I want to do, I’m watching others have the kind of sex life I want, I’m watching others get the jobs and the partners and the clothes I want.  I'm watching others have fabulous adventures and take risks.  I’m watching others reach for the stars without me.  I've got the black cloud of "what if..." following me around for the rest of my life.  I'm living with the knowledge that my demons beat me, and I cannot live with that.

People always ask me what my goal weight is.  Well, I don’t have a number.  Nor do I intend to really ever decide upon a number.  My surgeon told me the day after my surgery that if I lost 100 pounds he would consider me a success.  I’ve accomplished that, but it’s not enough.    I want more for myself than to be considered a success by my surgeon.  I want to consider myself a success too and I don’t yet.

I have a list of things I want to do, things I want to try, things I wish were physically easier, and when I can do everything on that list, and anything else that strikes my fancy in the future, without a second thought about my weight holding me back from doing so, then I will know I have reached my goal.  I’ll know it when I wake up one day, look at my body and I'm proud of what I see.  I don’t care if the medical community or other people still think I’ve overweight at that time.  I don’t care what size I wear or what the number on the scale says.  When I can live the way I want, then I’ll know I have reached my goal.  

Maybe you can understand now why I need to quiet my voice.  There is just so much noise.  It’s all good stuff to be “thinking” about but there comes a point when thinking becomes a real disadvantage….and frankly, I feel like I reached that point a long time ago.  All that “thinking” and not enough “doing” just creates turmoil and prevents me from living authentically.  Who cares which is “better” – having a habit or not, challenging myself or accepting myself?  All can exist at once.  What matters is what I actually do and what works for me as I reach for the life I want.

And on that note, here’s some of the more "practical" stuff going on with me right now:

My Green Card situation is moving along, impressively quickly for the USCIS.  As I mentioned in my last post, my GC was set to expire on July 30 and USCIS has extended it for a year to allow them time to process my application.  That means I can still work and travel without a problem but they won't issue me a new card until they're done processing my paperwork.  I need to carry the letter of extension with me along with my GC to prove my GC is still valid.  I already have an appointment in Buffalo next week for my biometrics, which is totally normal and expected.  This will be maybe the fifth or sixth time I’ve had to give USCIS my fingerprints, photograph and signature.  They ask for those every step of the way through the process. 

My cold is gone but I now have a pretty bad sunburn after spending Sunday outside all day at the air show.  It just kind of snuck up on me...it wasn't even that hot or sunny outside!  And I was wearing a hat, sunglasses, sunblock…but I had on a deep v-neck t-shirt and sat in the same spot watching demonstrations for a couple of hours.  Two hours after I got home, I realized my chest/neck, face and arms were extremely red and sore.  Ouch. I’m sure I’ll start to peel soon and won’t that be attractive.

My last blog post had double the readers of my previously highest read blog post.  Weird.  I find it kind of interesting to watch my blog stats and I often wonder why some posts do better than others.   It can't be the topic or the quality of the writing because people would still have to click on the post to know that.  Maybe it has to do with when I post or the lyrics I choose for the title…?  No idea.  I have readers from 15 countries, which kind of shocks me but it's pretty cool!

Dana, my trainer, has given me a new “walking” challenge this month of 15 miles.  Last month it was 10 and I easily did way more than that.  That’s basically my warm up miles….the time I spend on the treadmill, elliptical or rowing machine before my actual workouts with her.    I’ve also upped my training time with her from 30 minutes 3 times per week to 45 minutes 3 times per week.  And I still go on the off days and work out myself.   I want to do 6 days a week (the gym closes at 7pm on Fridays and by the time I get out of work, there is just not enough time, or I'd make it 7 days a week), but it usually ends up being 5 days a week (I sleep in on Sunday and the gym closes at noon).  I am definitely feeling a difference and seeing a difference on the scale.  This former couch potato is all in on the exercise thing….I’m a believer.

Next week I’m going to my first live boxing match at the Armory and I’m super excited about that.  I watch them on TV all the time but Dana says they are very different live.  I believe it too, ‘cos I felt that way when I went to see the Jets play live a few years ago.  I admit I am not a huge football fan.  I’ll watch it and try and figure out what’s going on, but I find it really boring in comparison to, say…hockey.  But Sam is a huge fan, so when we took a trip to NYC in 2008, we went to see a game and it was a LOT of fun.  I really enjoyed it quite a bit……It was almost worth the $700/ticket price!  But it was much more exciting than watching it on TV so I’m expecting the same from this boxing match.

The plans for my tattoos are really taking shape and I’m super excited to get the first one done.  The first, I mentioned previously, will be built around the words "True Grit".  After my last post I worked more on the sketch and scrapped the idea of the Italian version because I've  got some Italian in my second design, which will be a sleeve or half sleeve on my right arm, and honestly I didn't like the closest Italian translations I could find.  But my True Grit tattoo is going to include all kinds of elements like a barbell, Felix's face, a reference to Canada and the US and a vine-like design with stars and flowers.  It sounds weird, I know, I'm really excited by the picture I drew of it, and it's still going to be on my left forearm. 

Also in the works…my first ever motorcycle ride!  I am nervous as hell.  But kinda excited too.

Finally, I have been thinking for a while about getting a second job.  I really want the extra money so I can save more for when Sam finally kicks me out of his house.  I still haven’t decided if I’ll buy a house, rent or what, but one thing I do know is I’m gonna need money.    I didn’t want to start looking for another job until my Green Card got extended.  I knew I could find something pretty fast so it just didn’t make sense to even look if I couldn’t present documentation to show I can still legally work here. 

But while I was at my brother’s three day birthday party in Canada at the beginning of August, I met an American friend of his who is married to a Canadian girl.  So he’s going through the Canadian immigration process and we compared notes.  Surprisingly, the immigration process seems very similar in Canada and the US.  He lives in Toronto and he’s at the point right now where he can’t legally work in Canada.  He told me about how he ghostwrites as a way of making some money.  How it works is he belongs to a few American agencies.  Companies hire these agencies to write articles for them whenever they need a written piece for a trade magazine or whatever.  The company gives the agency a page of facts or statements they want included in the piece and the agency gives it to one of their freelance writers to write the piece.  The writer gives the piece back to the agency when they’re done and the agency makes sure it meets their standards.  If it does, they pay the writer $100.  My brother’s friend says he is a slow writer, as am I, but that he can write several such pieces in one week.  It’s not the kind of money he can make doing his real job when he’s allowed to work in Canada but for now it gives him some money and it's all done online through American companies so he's not breaking any rules for his immigration claim.

I was, of course, very excited to hear about this.  I had resigned myself to the idea of working my nights and weekends in a call center to make extra cash…..but it would be amazing if instead I could write and get paid for it.  My own hours, work from home (or frankly, wherever I want with my laptop) and I get to do something I really like doing.  Perfect.  So I applied to all the agencies he told me about and some others I found online too and now I’m hoping one or more of them will take me on.  I’ll keep y’all posted.

That's all for now, folks.  Until next time....

Quotes I Find Inspiring Right Now (and maybe you will too...):

• “Accepting oneself does not preclude an attempt to become better.” - Flannery O’Connor
• "Discovering who we are involves learning the difference between accidental limitations which it is our duty to outgrow and the necessary limitations of our nature beyond which we cannot trespass with impunity.” - W.H. Auden
• “The present changes the past.  Looking back, you do not find what you left behind.” – Kiran Desai
• “What’s terrible is to pretend that second rate is first rate.” – Doris Lessing
• “It’s never too late to be what you might have been.” – George Eliot
• “Don’t limit your challenges, challenge your limits.”  - Jerry Dunn
• “You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them.” – Michael Jordan
• “Excellence is not a singular act, but a habit.  You are what you repeatedly do.”  – Shaquille O’Neal
• “I am always doing that which I cannot do, so that I may learn how to do it.”  – Pablo Picasso
• “Give the world the best you have and the best will come back to you.”  –Marilyn Bridges
• “Adventure is worthwhile in itself.” – Amelia Earhart