Why am I doing this?

I want to write a blog. There, I said it. When I ask myself the question, why would I want to do such a thing, I can think of a few good answers. For example, I seriously need therapy and can not afford it - financially or emotionally (ever tried searching for a good therapist?). So let me seek wisdom and truth in the blank, voiceless screen.

Also, I absolutely love to write and, in the spirit of total self absorption, what better subject than "me" to write about!

The other thing is - and I fear this is the most important - I am pissed. Seriously, I'm angry, and I don't really know what to do with myself. I need to vent. I am very aware that no one wants to be around an angry person. I am aware than the correct answer to the question, "how are you" is "oh, I'm fine, thanks" with a smile on your face. Trust me, I am trying to fake my way through, but for some reason, it's not working for me. So....venting. On a blog. Anonymously.

(I should say in the spirit of full disclosure: Mom - I love you, but this blog is NOT for your eyes. If you happen to find your way here and realize it's me, please do us both a favour and don't read any further.)

Onto the things that are making me angry. There's just no other way than to dive right in, is there?

My mom has dementia and she's 63. I don't have any faith that my dad can look after her. I am seriously, seriously in debt. I find myself "kind of" married when my feelings towards marriage have always been incredibly negative. I am at the mercy of the USCIS and have been for the last 8 months and I live this kind of half life with two homes in different countries. I am in my 40's and feeling extremely conflicted about my life and the direction is is heading.....maybe it's a classic mid-life crisis. I don't know who I am anymore. I want to be someone else. I want to pack up my car with my cats and books and RUN.

But I also want to stay, and be responsible and honour my commitments and work through it. And so I write, in the hopes I will acquire some clarity.

If anyone is out there, thank you for reading. The first post wasn't all that painful. I'll write more soon.