"Can You Show Me Where it Hurts?" - Pink Floyd

It is said that we all have three faces – the face we wear in public, the face we wear in private, and the face we wear for ourselves. 

I don’t know if that’s completely true….I think it may be a little more complicated than that.  But I do know the ever-present smile on my face that people have always commented on is a cover.  

For the most part, people like other people who “fit in”.  “Fitting in” means different things to different people.  Even groups on the fringe of society all have standards telling them someone belongs to their group.  I have never “fit in”.  I have always been an outsider.  

So I smile.  Everyone likes people who smile. 

This blog is about me balancing my life.   I’m not gonna lie, it’s probably going to be dark at times.  My weight loss surgery journey will be documented here, but that’s not the whole story.  It won't just be about the surgeries I've had and will have, the pounds I've lost, the food I've eaten, the recipes I've found.  It's about me peeling back the layers.  If you aren't into knowing the most personal details of my life - do us both a favour and don't read any further. 

You should know that I am extremely embarrassed to acknowledge much of what I will acknowledge on this blog.  I am well aware of the over-sharing that goes on through social media and this might be a great, long example.   I’m not writing this blog because I think it’s fun to be inappropriate, overly personal or shock people (although sometimes it IS fun to shock people!). I’m doing it because it is necessary in order to strip away the lie, the public smiling face.   If I have a smile on my face, I want it to be because I’m happy.  I have rarely been happy in my life.  I need to do this to take responsibility.

In my experience, people do not simply gain 200 pounds just because they are lazy and eat things they shouldn’t eat.  There is so much more to battling obesity than getting surgery and suddenly dropping a ton of weight and a million people being inspired by the “magical” transformation.  Surgery does not “cure” a person of obesity, it is not magic.   Surgery will make me lose a lot of weight fast, just by the nature of it.  But that weight can be gained back.  To conquer it for good, one needs to stop and think about the “how” and “why” did I get here so that it doesn't happen again, so the habits and patterns can be replaced with new habits and patterns.  Just as I did not become obese overnight, the undoing of it also doesn’t happen over night.  This blog is one tool to help me discover the "how" and "why".

Unless you have experienced something yourself, you cannot fully understand what it is to experience it.  You may empathize.  You may imagine what it might be like.  You may think you know because someone close to you has experienced it, but you cannot know unless you yourself have actually experienced it.  This is true of many things in life, including living with obesity.  

The difficult part about this for someone like me who actually is obese is everyone has opinion about whether or not obesity is a “lifestyle” or a “disease” and no one is shy about sharing that opinion.  Total strangers feel completely comfortable walking up to me, offering unsolicited advice, ridicule, sympathy, comments meant to be supportive, such as “you have such a beautiful face”, "I feel so sorry for you", “if only you lost weight, you’d be perfect”. Everyone thinks they know the best diet, the best exercise, the best way to lose the weight once and for all, everyone thinks they have all the answers, even though doctors and scientists can’t even agree.  If you are obese, your “problem” is out there for everyone to see and talk about, and man, do they ever talk about it....to you, around you, about you....

I don’t know how I feel about the “lifestyle” vs “disease” debate.  What I do know is obesity has changed who I am as a person, and as the years go on, and obesity continues to be  a part of my life, it  has changed me so much that in some ways I really don’t even know who I am anymore.  It takes a little bit more away from me every year.  Obesity has left me feeling like an imposter in my own life.  So many supportive, well-intentioned people who know me and love me have told me that my weight is part of who I am and I should just embrace it.  I strongly disagree.  I can't quite articulate why, but I do not accept that.  I won't accept that.

That said, the reality is, I will probably always be a "big girl".  My aim here is not "to be skinny".  I will never be skinny...not that there's anything wrong with that......but that is also not who I am.  As my ballet teacher told me when I was a kid, I do not have a dancer's body.  That I do accept.  I'm not looking for perfection.  I don't think I have to weigh 120 to be ok with my body.  I just want to be a healthy woman who is comfortable in her own skin and live a full life.  

I participated in a dementia caregiver education series a couple of years ago and during one session, the educator asked us to imagine our lives cut in half.  Imagine half the things in this world you really, really love doing, things you are good at, things to do for your career, things you do for yourself, your friends, your family……. and then imagine not being able to do them anymore.  Dementia takes away your ability, your enjoyment, your access to (at least) half the things in your life.  

Obesity also does that.  Obesity has put physical and emotional distance between me and everyone else in the world.  It has very much created a "me against them" attitude in life.

Imagine having to assess every situation you are in all the time to make sure you aren’t going to humiliate yourself or hurt yourself by breaking furniture when you sit on it.  That’s not just a “funny” thing in movies…that happens.  It has happened to me - in public, at work, at school, at home - many times.  Imagine you’re out with a group of friends and you go into a restaurant and the waitress seats you at a booth or at a table with chairs that have arms…and you don’t fit.  You literally do not fit.  Humiliation.  I should know, it’s happened to me.

Imagine choosing your clothes at the one and only store that carries something in your size and buying something only because it fits you, not because you like it.  Imagine worrying the entire time you’re sitting in your hairstylists chair that you are going to break it and owe her a ton of money.  Imagine the seat belt in your car doesn’t fit you and you get pulled over by the police....when you explain the situation, they don't believe you could possibly be that obese so they force the seat belt onto you and insist you leave it on even though you can't sit down, breathe or turn your head...and now you're expected to continue driving down the QEW with an OPP cruiser right beside you who is just waiting for you to take it off again. 

Imagine every time you go to the doctor, being dismissed because you are obese, so of course you would be experiencing “x” symptom.  If you only lost weight, all your health problems will just disappear.  There's nothing wrong with you except what you yourself control so just stop eating and you'll be ok.

Imagine being bullied by total strangers in the grocery store and trying to be the “bigger person”, in spite of your history, your insecurities, your physical discomfort in your own skin.   Imagine going to the movies or on an airplane and you not only don't fit into the seats but you also don't fit into the washroom stall.

Imagine how walking from the parking lot to your office, or from one end of the building at work to the other makes you feel like you are going to die. Imagine every single little thing you do on a day to day basis takes a monumental effort to get done:  Getting out of bed, having a shower, putting on your socks, putting on your shoes....each one of those things physically exhausts you.  Maybe you need your partner's help with some or all of those things just to make it happen.  If you live alone, you might be screwed.  The depression you experience from these events makes it so you can't face the world....so you call in sick.  Now your employer thinks you're a slacker and regrets hiring you.  You'll never get anywhere in this company, so you quit and move on to the next one, determined to do better next time around.

Imagine choosing your sexual /romantic partners based solely on who isn’t repulsed by your weight.  And you know this is true because time and time again, people have told you they're not interested because of your weight.  Imagine when you do find someone who isn’t repulsed by you, you can’t have sex with them because you can't even walk from your car to your office without feeling like you're going to die, much less engage in sexual activity.  

Imagine you can no longer do things you enjoy doing or try new things you'd like to try....your life limited to the little box you're in right now.  Imagine your hopes and dreams crushed out by fear of failure, humiliation, physical inability...all because of obesity.

Imagine being told time and time again that you are only obese because you eat too much, don't exercise enough, and if you tried, you could easily lose the weight.  Just go for a walk, just don't eat carbs, just drink juice.  As if your weight has not occupied your entire existence since you were old enough to have memories.  As if you had never thought to lose weight ever before and have never tried Weight Watchers (numerous times), Merida, Overeaters Anonymous, TOPS, seeing an eating disorders specialist, Lap band surgery, fitness challenges, etc....each time with the renewed hope that "this time will be different" and the humiliation that follows when it isn't.

Being obese is a half-life of total humiliation.   One humiliating event after another.  And the experience is only half of it.....imagine having to explain any and all of these expereinces to an unfriendly world who thinks your weight problem is your own fault. If I had the money, I would quit my job, order everything  I need online and disappear inside my house for two years so I could do this weight loss journey thing in private and avoid the whole public mess. Avoid being a disappointment to my employer, my friends, my partner.  Obviously that isn't possible, so when you see me, cut a girl a break...I'm having a moment here.  It takes a lot of energy to just hang on to some dignity.

I know others will disagree with some of the things I say here and that’s fine.  This is my experience, not yours.  My hope is the readers of this blog will keep an open mind.  I'm not sure what, if any, other external expectations I have with this blog.   This is mostly for me.  If others feel like reading and commenting, great, but please keep comments friendly, even if you disagree or challenge something I've said.  I welcome the dialogue if it's friendly.

Thanks for reading!  This was just the start.  There's lots more to come.

These things are true about me:

There should be 2 of everything all the time (just in case) 
I can’t wear red, it makes me feel hot 
I walk around half naked at home most of the time
I am a feminist through and through
I am claustrophobic, both physically and emotionally
I love Vanity Fair magazine
I don’t believe in God (or the Devil) 
Being around/near/in water is a spiritual experience for me
Without music and books, I would die 
I adore all things British