"Nothing's as obvious as what is lost; Nothing's as painful as the cost." - Blue Rodeo

Well, I suppose I have been quiet long enough.  It’s time for another blog post.

I’m hesitant to write anything because I really hate being misunderstood.  Being misunderstood is one of my greatest frustrations in life.  And I know this post is going to sound somewhat depressing and self-pitying.   Look, in many ways, I am extraordinarily happy with myself.  I’m thriving - physically and emotionally.  This is the healthiest I have been in my entire adult life…and I mean that in the truest sense of the word “healthy”…..and I know I’m just going to keep getting healthier.  Every day I greet the world with nothing but confidence and joy and I know I have absolutely no good reason or right to feel sorry for myself.

But the truth is I’m suffering a bit of an identity crisis.   So, I suppose I AM feeling a bit sorry for myself, even though I have no right or reason.  There are a lot of really, really great things happening and I'm celebrating those things...while I feel sorry for myself.  I pretty much find myself thinking “woohoo!” and “this sucks!” all the time.....sometimes in the same moment.    Apparently I can't just allow myself be happy.  That would be too easy.  I’m working on that….but I’m not there yet.

I’ll start with some great stuff.  Yesterday, I wore heels to work….a hot, Italian pair of four inch heels – office appropriate, with amazing stitching, stylish details and gorgeous distressed leather.  My feet were KILLING me, and I didn't care.  I strutted around the office like I owned the place.  You see, it’s the first time I have worn heels for an entire day in years and years and years….possibly EVER!  Do you understand??  Let me spell it out for you.  Because of my weight, there are a great many simple little things that I have never been able to do before.  One of those things is wear heels.  Could not before .....and now I can.

That, my friends, is a mofo NSV!

It would not have even occurred to me to attempt such a thing if this other little thing hadn’t happened last weekend:  I was parked behind Sam in the driveway.  He wanted to leave so I needed to move my car.  All my shoes/boots that I normally wear were upstairs so I threw on a pair of sandals that I had not worn since last Summer.  They’re Birkenstock type sandals with adjustable straps across the foot.  I just threw them on and started walking, and, I could not believe it………they slipped off my feet as I started walking!  I literally tripped over them.  My freaking shoes were so big I could no longer wear them!

Things like this happen ALL the time now and when they do, they catch me off guard EVERY single time.  I know I should not be surprised.  I’m losing weight….a lot of weight.  Things ARE going to change!  Lots and lots of things will change.  But I swear...I see myself naked and I don't really think I look all that different (except my neck and shoulders). So I forget that I have lost weight all the time……and then when something happens that reminds me, THEN I notice something’s different, and I’m like, "Hey…..You!  Check out this thing that changed!”.    I just HAVE to tell someone.  I want to share my joy…I want them to start screaming and jumping up and down just like I want to do.  But usually I just get a blank stare or a half smile in return.  I get it….unless you’ve had the experience of being trapped in a cage, how could you possibly understand what it feels like to be free?

But this shoe thing is especially exciting for me.  It’s exciting because I have a collection of shoes…. Heels, actually.  Sexy, pointy, strappy, gorgeous, amazing heels that I bought over the years even though I couldn’t stand up in them, or even put them on my feet.  I bought them because I loved them and wanted them.  I bought them because I could completely see the real me in my head and the real me is the kind of woman who sometimes wears heels.  I like heels.  They make me taller.  They’re beautiful.  They’re stylish.  They’re sexy.  They make legs and asses look amazing.  I kept buying more and more heels and I’d keep them shined up and sitting on a shelf like art while I yearned to be able to wear them.  I never gave up on the idea that the day would come when I could actually wear heels.  That day, it seems, is upon me.  Or at least…..I can see the sun rising on that day. 

Another great thing happening for me - Writing.  I am getting paid to write.  I still have my full time job at Pictometry but in addition to that, two agencies now hire me freelance to write for them….it’s called ”content marketing”, but it’s writing.  I am super stoked about getting paid to write, being published (even if it's ghost writing and I don't get credit for it), and the fact that it’s a side job where I have a great deal of control.  I say when, I say where, and how often.  I finish an assignment; I say I want another one…..so they give me another one.  No matter where I go, I can keep doing it.  It’s awesome that I don’t need to sell my soul to make some extra money and I get to do something I feel happy and confident about doing.  I’m still pretty slow and very new to the whole industry so it’s not like I’ve had a lot of assignments or am getting paid a huge amount of money per assignment.  But I’m working on building my skill, speed and experience and then it will become a bit more profitable.

I also have a work trip to Florida coming up in February for the next National Sales Meeting…Amelia Island.  I’m very excited about that.  I have always really enjoyed the road trips down to Florida to visit Sam’s parents, so I’m going to use a week of vacation time and split it up before and after the NSM so I can drive and make a couple stops along the way.  I really loved Charleston, SC but only saw a bit of it once so I may stop there for a night.  Also, there’s a really interesting large retail space called Tamarack in Beckley, West Virginia where all different kinds of artisans sell their creations.  It's an amazing place.  I have picked up several gorgeous pieces there over the years so I’ll definitely have to stop there on the way….for me, no road trip to Florida would be the same without stopping there. (There’s also something pretty magical about the West Virginia mountains, especially when the sun is rising…the mist is intense. Always cool to stop there overnight and experience the WV sunrise.)  Then there’s Nashville, TN which has been calling me for years…..I really want to go there.  It’s more out of the way so that may not happen, but I’m excited to think about the possibilities and make some travel plans.

And….Felix action!  Suddenly I’m getting calls about Felix again.  Tonight I’m checking out two leads after work. 

Ok, so now onto the identity crisis I’m having.  I’m not even sure I can really articulate it, but I’ll try. 

To start with, too many things are uncertain in my life right now and it’s making me crazy.   The number one most annoyingly uncertain thing is my Green Card.  What happens with my Green Card has repercussions in other areas as well so not knowing what’s going on means I can't plan, which screws up my life as well as Sam's and leaves us both in limbo.

You may recall I needed to apply for a 10 year card back in July.  I did so, I got a year extension on my GC and had my biometrics appointment in August.  I haven’t heard a thing since then, which is, sadly, normal for USCIS.  You don’t hear anything until you do.  The timeline for these types of applications is supposed to be 6 months, so - in theory - by January, it should all be decided.  However, Sam and I have used VisaJourney, an online community dedicated to helping people navigate the immigration process, from the beginning……and there are people on that forum who applied over a year ago for their 10 year card and are still waiting.  Their extension letter has expired.  Maybe that won’t happen to me.  But what if it does?

In the meantime, what will USCIS decide to do with me?  Will they ask for more information?  Will they make us do an interview?  Will they deport me?  I  know, I know…just wait and see.  I’m getting ahead of myself.  Except, not really.

Sam and I are at the point of our relationship where we are both ready to move on.  We both NEED to be able to move on.  I need to move out.   We need to get divorced.  I am tired of my ambiguous marital status.  Sam wants to just move on.  But we can’t do a damn thing until the GC issue is settled.  If we divorce in the middle of the process, I need to reapply for my 10 year card and start all over again, pay another fee, as a divorced person.  I’m not completely sure I can move without screwing up my application, but let’s say I could…. I don’t want to move into my own place and then have USCIS come back and say, no you can’t stay in this country.  Then I’ll have to move again. 

Thinking about what happens if USCIS does tell me I need to leave......I mean, it’s not so bad…I’d go back to Canada.  So I find myself kind of “planning” a life in Canada – because there’s nothing left of my old life, I’d be starting all over again there - while also simultaneously figuring out what to do next here in the US.  I have no idea which life I’m going to end up with.   In my weakest moments, I question where it is I even belong.  It’s municipal election time in Canada and I am no longer eligible to vote there.  But I can’t vote here in the US either.  I feel like I don’t belong anywhere.

As I think about the possibility of returning to Canada, I am heartbroken over Felix.  I think, as long as I stay in Rochester, there’s always a possibility I could someday get him back.  It’s possible.  Or maybe staying close to the last place he was seen just makes me feel less guilty for allowing my absolute worst fear about moving to the States – something happening to one of my cats – to come true.   In any case, "feels" about Felix have flared up big time lately.

My road to fitness is going really, really well.  I am constantly amazed at the things my trainer asks me to do and even more amazed when I can do them.  And…the last time I went to the gym, I walked 3 miles for a warm up.  3 miles!  And I wasn’t even hot or tired or sweating for the first mile.  Remember in May when I walked my first 5K and I barely finished it?  I was the very last person to cross the finish line and I was so proud?  Um yeah….now my goal is to be able to walk 5K five days a week….every time I go to the gym just for a warm up…and that goal is within reach.  My trainer wants me to enter a beginner Kettlebell competition in December!  Say, what??   I thought she was talking to someone else when she said this.  I was busy trying to lift a 35 pound steel ball above my head so I wasn’t really paying attention to her, and when I realized she meant me, I started laughing.  So surreal.  Is this my life?  It’s amazing but so weird.  I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone all the time.

Another thing is I’m lonely.  I am truly, heartbreakingly lonely.  There are a lot of different things contributing to this.  I miss my family.  I miss having a partner.  I don’t feel like my friends can really understand what I’m experiencing in my weight loss journey.  And….I do have a lot of friends, but I’m kind of a loner.  I tell myself I want to be alone…I like it, then I feel lonely.  I never used to be like this when I was younger….I was always the social planner.  I brought groups of people together to go out.  I made sure everyone was included.  I was a social butterfly.  When did that change?  You guessed it…after I was raped in my 20’s.  I feel like I need to embrace my need for people instead of just secluding myself all the time.  And this is messing with my sense of self.

Not to mention the fact that most of the people I know in Rochester were Sam’s friends before they were mine and although they have also become mine, I don’t want to put them in the uncomfortable position of “choosing” Sam or me.  I feel obligated to back away and let him have his space with our friends…because if the situation were reversed, that’s what I would want.  Right or wrong, that’s what I would want.

The idea that I will be divorced is another big hurdle for me.  I just feel like such a disappointment and failure.  I feel an overwhelming sense of loss associated with the entire thing, not just for the relationship itself but for the loss of Sam’s family in my life, the knowledge that when I move out, our dog Ladybug stays with Sam, the loss of “home”…these are my people and this is where I belong.   I have no one to take care of…except myself, how dull.  With Halloween approaching, this feeling has been amplified.  Sam and I had two weddings, both on Halloween.  We both love Halloween.  We always decorated the house and it has always been our tradition to watch scary movies and eat candy together on Halloween.  So I’m feeling kind of sad over the loss of that tradition.  And in spite of everything I said above about the GC issue, we have set a move out date for me of April 1.

I have not weighed what I weigh now in at least 15 years.  I haven’t been this “physically fit” (and I put that in brackets because “fit” is relative to my experience) since I was in my early 20’s.  Yet, my body still reflects the damage done by obesity....stretch marks, extra skin, really flabby arms, thighs and belly.  This is all uncharted territory for me.  I don’t know how to act, how to live, how to be and I'm trying to not freak out every second of every day.  I'm trying to handle it with grace and dignity.  I’m stumbling my way through, trying to make good, healthy decisions for myself.  But this is a mindfuck in the first degree.  I know other people who have been morbidly obese for their entire adult life will understand the struggle here and that mostly everyone else will not.  Which just makes it all the more a mindfuck.  I constantly feel like the only one who has smoked weed at a party…and I’m going around to everyone else going, “can you believe that just happened?”  No one else sees what I see.  I just look crazy.  And maybe I am.  I certainly feel crazy sometimes.

I find myself constantly plagued by self-doubt.  I doubt that I’m really losing weight.  I doubt that it’s really happening for me.  I doubt that I will ever be able to do everything on my “list” that I want to do.  I see myself naked and honestly, I don’t see the difference in my body, I really don’t.  I only notice the difference when I put clothes on or I step on the scale or try to do something new.

In addition to that, I have also been having my first physical problems since my surgery.  I’ve been REALLY sick a couple of times in the last few weeks.  (As I write this, I have realized these problems may well be stress induced.)  

The physical changes I am experiencing as a result of my surgery….the loss of the weight, the loss of the comfortable miserable identity I hung onto for so long.   As I lose more and more weight, everything becomes more and more possible and there’s nothing I don’t want to do, nothing I don’t want to be.  It’s all very overwhelming.

Which leads me to my dating life.  Dating should be the easiest, light hearted thing happening in my life right now.  It’s supposed to be fun.  I know this.  But it’s not.  It’s stressful.  I don’t want it to be stressful…it just is.  There are just so many weirdos out there.  So many people with questionable motives.  So many reasons to distrust someone.

And it’s difficult for me to “be myself” while I’m suffering an identity crisis and don’t know how to “be myself”, because I don’t know who “myself” is right now.  I had my first experience with a man telling me if I lost too much weight he would not be attracted to me.  I had to ask him to repeat himself – twice.  I just could not believe what I was hearing.   OK I get it….not everyone appeals to everyone else.  Some men are only attracted to large women, some men are only attracted to thin women.  I get it….but who exactly will be attracted to me right now…the guy who likes larger women or the guy into fitness?  ‘Cos I’m both, and don’t really fit neatly into a physical category.  Just like my hair color, my body is going to change.  So if you're into fat redheads, and you think I'm it, I've got bad news for you buddy.  I need someone with more...... flexible tastes, and that is just not easy to find. 

But seriously, if you are a man who is only attracted to large women and you know a woman has had weight loss surgery, why would you even ask her out?  Why would you waste any time at all trying to get to know her?  Why would you spend the entire first date spewing your hatred for weight loss surgery and trying to feed that woman cheesecake all night after she’s told you how meaningful having this surgery has been to her and telling you how sick she’ll be if she eats it? 

Sometimes it feels like people don’t date to get to know other people.  They date to impose their views on you, their life on you.  They know they want a partner and they don’t care who that partner is…they can envision the life they want and they want to just slot someone they are physically attracted to into that life to complete the picture.  They don’t care who you are, they only care who they can make you be.  You’ve got the look, now they want a puppet who they can tell how to think, how to act, what to say so they get their perfect little life.  If there’s one thing I know I’m not, it’s a puppet.  If there's one  thing I know I do NOT want, it's a puppet master.  If there’s one thing I know I am, it’s a romantic, and the romantic in me doesn’t go for crap like this. Dating is really hard on a romantic.  Dating is a very cold business.  It’s use or be used. 

But the larger issue with dating for me is much more embarrassing.  Truth is, it almost feels like I’m on a quest.  It’s hard to enjoy anyone when you want everyone to be the same person.  There’s a scene in the movie “Love Actually” where a kid confesses to his father that he’s in love and proclaims that there’s nothing “worse than the total agony of being in love.”  Ah yes, unrequited love.  This is the problem I’m facing. 

I mentioned many posts ago that I met a guy - months and months ago - I called him my “ideal man”.  That was a superficial, shallow way to explain how I felt about this person.  Truth is, this is the closest I have ever felt to “love at first sight”.  When I met him, he started talking, and really didn’t stop.  I barely got a word in, he talked so much.  He didn’t just go on and on about himself…he was interesting and did ask me questions and answered my questions when I was able to ask…..and everything he said just made me want to know him more.  But the fact that he talked so much gave me a lot of time to observe him and I have never felt so drawn to a man before, so instantly fascinated, so powerfully attracted, so pushed to challenge myself and be better so I could deserve him.

It’s not just that he is physically beautiful, although in my eyes, he is.  More importantly than that, I could see all the men in my family in him….my dad, my brother, my grandfather, my uncles….all their gifts, all their skills and talents, all their flaws…plus his own unique characteristics, and because of that I instantly trusted him, liked him and wanted to be near him.  I didn’t want to leave.  I didn’t know him very well, I had no idea if we were compatible or not but I knew I wanted to find out.

Unfortunately for me, none of those feelings were mutual.  I don’t give up easily and I definitely believe in the whole “if you really want something, you fight for it until you die”/ Say Anything School of Romantic Thought, but after someone tells you several times they are not interested in you, you risk becoming a stalker if you continue to pursue.  You don’t look like a passionate person fighting for what they want, you look crazy.  So I was forced to accept I had reached that threshold. 

Since that time, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this guy.  Yes, I know, it's been months.  I have been known to carry a torch for a decade.  I don't get over people easily.  I want to know him.  I want to date him.  But since he won’t date me, I try to move on.  I don’t expect every other guy to be like him.  I know he’s not perfect and he's not "ideal".  But he did show me the feelings I want to feel for my partner and he showed me I am actually capable of having those feelings.   I’m not interested in dating someone I only kinda like and letting that grow into a stable relationship based on friendship.  There's nothing wrong with that, but it's not what I'm looking for.  I want to feel that spark, those fireworks, that gut-wrenching drive to discover every single thing there is to discover about the person I'm dating.

Oh man, I know how I sound right now.  It’s cute coming from a 10 year old kid with an English accent in a ridiculously mushy, romantic, feel-good movie.  Coming from a 45 year old woman going through a divorce - not so cute….desperate.  Yes, I’m desperate.  I’m desperate to get him out of my head, to feel what I feel for someone else who will return the feelings, and desperate to have a dating life without him sitting on my back the whole time.  I am desperate to not let how I feel about him destroy any more potential relationships.  This is ridiculous, but I have actually thought, hell, if I’m going to move, why not REALLY move and get away from him and his town…..’cos yeah, after 7 years of being with Sam and visiting Rochester, this is that guy’s town.  Everywhere I go, I wonder if he’ll be there.   Maybe a fresh start would help.  Pick a place I’ve never even been to…..I dunno, Austin, Texas, for example, and just GO THERE.  

It’s a nice fantasy to run away like that.  If only it were that easy.  It would serve me no purpose to just run like that.  I do have some stability in my life right now.  Work.  My trainer.  The gym.  These are the things that keep me sane.  When I have no idea what I’m doing or why, I know I have these things.  Love feels essential to me because I’m a dreamy, starry-eyed, impractical, freak and I’ll probably never outgrow that but truth is, love is not essential…not right now.  I still have a lot of hard work to do.

There are only a few things I REALLY want in life.

·         Get Felix back

·         Reach my fitness/weight loss/lifestyle goals

·         Be crazy passionately madly in love

I only have control over one of these things so I’m all in with it.  Everything I’ve got goes towards reaching my fitness/weight loss/lifestyle goals. 

The Return of Random Stuff:

·         I am obsessed with white kitchens.  And bathrooms.  In fact, I love white walls and furniture too.
·         There is no design style better than art deco.  I’m a fan.
·         I always think of myself as a coffee person as opposed to a tea person, but I love, love LOVE me some Chai, Earl Grey, Apricot Spiced and Red Zinger tea.
·         I'm neither a cat or a dog person…I am both.  I want ALL the critters all the time.  I can’t go to a pet store or animal shelter without wanting to take home every animal in the place.
·         I was deeply disappointed by the finale of True Blood.  In fact, the last three seasons were so bad, I have no idea why I kept watching.  I’m only now able to talk about it.
·         I’ve recently discovered a genre of music I can only just barely tolerate:  death metal
·         I can barely eat an entire banana.  Seriously, I’m completely stuffed after eating a banana.
·         I can’t stand tuna or salmon.  I hate the smell.  I hate the sight.  I hate the taste.  If you invite me over to dinner, you better not make me a tuna casserole or salmon on a cedar plank.  If you do, and I say I like it, I’m totally lying.
·         I could eat scallops, lobster and blue crab all day long.
·        The meme I added to this post?  Yeah that’s me.  White girl in yoga pants who loves Fall and is obsessed with pumpkin everything.  Totally.  Me. 

 

 

"Let's Swim to the Moon, Let's Climb Through the Tide." - The Doors

Right now, I’m so sick of hearing my own voice.  I’m sick of hearing myself say things out loud.  I’m sick of the constant chatter in my head.  I’m sick of writing emails and Facebook posts.  And I’m kinda sick of my blog posts.  Once I finish one, I can’t bear to go back and read it again.  I can’t take re-visiting my own angst.  I just want to be quiet for a while and not speak…..no talking, no thinking - just doing and evolving.

Other people’s voices can also have the same effect on me.  I don’t want to make polite conversation about the weather and traffic or go around and around discussing the same solutions to the same little problems at work over and over.  None of it matters to me right now at all.  If we can talk about something that matters, great.  (And by “talk”, I mean discuss like civilized adults……I do not mean insult each other like children because someone disagrees with us over politics, ‘cos I don’t care about that either.)  The only thing that matters is what really matters…..everything else is just noise pollution (and yes, I get to decide what matters to me).

In some ways, my world has gotten very small, very simple.  Like a pre-teen, I’m experiencing a growth spurt.  I don’t want anything to disrupt that.  But my world has also gotten a lot bigger, ‘cos I’m doing more, trying more, open to more, living more, searching for more, wanting more, expecting more, meeting more people, hearing more stories….

I need more fun in my life, I really do.  I desperately want it too.  I need the sun on my face and giddy, silly adventures and hysterical laughter and carefree afternoons…but behind every adventure, the dark cloud of reality follows me.  I can’t seem to shake it.  For every positive story and experience I’m drawn into, there are 10 dark ones that I just have to know about.  I’m constantly drawn to the most depressing stories I find…you know, stories like how unwanted birds at chicken factories are buried alive in mass graves or how terrorists beheaded yet another American journalist.  I feel like I need to read these stories, like I HAVE to know about them….as if to deny horrible things happen in the world or not care that horrible things happen in the world is wrong.

Right about now, I know what you’re probably thinking as you read this. I’m thinking it too…….I know what my problem is.  It’s always been the same.  I think way too much.   I worry too much.  I take everything – including myself - SO seriously.   It’s such a drag.  That’s why I need to try and be quiet for awhile.

In addition to the depressing stories I have always been drawn to, these days I spend a lot of time thinking about habits.  No, not the kind of habit a nun wears…I’m talking about the behavior patterns we all manage to acquire and perform until they become automatic.  And habits are not a fun subject.  There’s nothing sexy about habits.  At first glance, they’re not even worth thinking about, but if you really stop and think about it, you realize how fascinating habits actually are.  If you analyze why you do a certain thing every day at the same time in the same way or why you do something at all, you’ll see something about yourself you never saw before.

I started thinking about habits after my sleeve surgery, obviously.  I had to.  My old way of doing things was just not going to work anymore if I wanted to get the most out of my sleeve.  Then I started reading a blog called “The Happiness Project” and the author of that blog, Gretchen Rubin, is kind of obsessed with habits.  She writes about habits, among other things, a lot.
As I started to think about habits, I realized just how important good habits are for a free-spirited, rebellious individual like myself.  Left to my own devices, my day is pretty chaotic.  Everything is “fly by the seat of my pants”.  I do everything on a whim.  I need structure.  I need habits.  My week nights are very structured now.  I get home from work usually around 6:30.  I change for the gym, eat a snack, relax for a short time then head out to the gym at 7:30.  I come home around 9, eat dinner – usually 2 scrambled or poached eggs – and go to bed as early as I can make myself. 

In the last month or so, I realized I have started to REALLY like Saturdays.  Like everyone else, I look forward to the weekends but lately I’ve been noticing I love Saturdays even more than I used to.  Then I realized why…it’s because I get up and meet my trainer at the gym at 10am.  Sam is usually at his girlfriend’s  house on weekends so I get up, look after the dogs, have a snack and go.  When I come home, I have the house to myself, look after the dogs again, shower, make some food (usually breakfast even though it's after noon) and relax with coffee on the couch.  My day has structure, purpose.  See, I used to just sleep in, then wake up whenever and have no real purpose to the day. These are all new habits for me and they really make my day.

I have to admit, it was not easy forcing myself to accept these new habits.  I didn’t want such a regimented schedule just like I did not want such a regimented diet.  But the more I talked to people at the gym about their lifestyles, the more I realized most people don’t become healthy and in shape by accident.  They work at it every single day and they do and eat the same things over and over.  So that’s what I started to do too. 

Another thing Rubin writes about often is whether we should accept ourselves the way we are or challenge ourselves to be more.  This is another one of those ideas that has been on my mind for many months, mostly as it relates to body love and weight loss.  I don’t know how many articles I’ve read that support the idea of loving yourself and your body the way it is right now at this very moment.  As I’ve said before in another post, there’s something about this idea that really rubs me the wrong way.   Of course I want to love my body and myself...and, it's complicated, but I mostly do.  But I know I can do and be better.  To me, it is not contradictory to love my body and also expect more.  That expectation comes from a place of love.

I also really dislike the complacency implied in the idea of “accept/love yourself as you are”.  One of my fellow weight loss surgery patients who got her sleeve a year ago has said her obesity was caused by “complacency disease” and I can completely see that.  I feel like it’s giving up and being a bit of a victim to just accept something, whether it’s your body or some other part of you or some other situation in your life.  “Acceptance” implies that what you are right now is all you’ll ever be and all you’re capable of, which isn't true.  It also implies that everyone else should not expect anything from you, and you should never expect or hope for anything from yourself either, which I find really sad.  I mean, there are times in life where hope and expectation are the only things to look forward to.  

Another blog I regularly read is “Girls Gone Strong”.  It’s a community of women in the fitness industry who write articles on fitness and wellness in general and weight lifting specifically.  One of these articles contained some words of wisdom I could really identify with:

“Initially, my own desire to improve and transform came
from a VERY unhealthy place.  I just thought that
I wasn’t enough. Those thoughts looped in my
brain over and over and over again, and led me to a
place of negativity, fear and self-loathing.”

That, of course, hits home for me.  I received quite a bit of negative feedback after my last post related to body image some months ago.  A lot of people think the act itself of having weight loss surgery is an act of hatred against your body.......and I’ve done it, twice.  I’ve heard the expression, “You can’t hate yourself to happiness” and I really started to wonder if that’s what I was trying to do.  

But no, I had weight loss surgery not because I hate my body but because I love my body and myself and know I can be better…what’s wrong with that?  I hired a trainer because I love my body, and I want it to be the best it can be.  The obese body I had and still have doesn’t reflect self-love…in fact it only reflects my previous self-hatred, my violent and reckless history…..so why would anyone think that's good enough for me and that I should accept myself the way I am?  I should accept self-hatred?  I don't think so.

Indulge me for a moment while I get  bit self-righteous. I really just think we are ALL – every single person alive - capable of so much more than what we are right now.  Our potential for greatness is limitless.   Even people who already  live crazy awesome lives and do amazing things are capable of doing more and they know it….that’s why they live crazy awesome lives and do amazing things.  Because they can.  And they know they can.  So they do.

For example, my photojournalist friend Kris doesn’t go, “Hey remember that first time I went to the Amazon and talked my way into places no white girl has ever been before and  almost got killed five times trying to photograph that village? Yeah well that’s it for me…..  I’m gonna milk that story about how I fell into the anaconda nest and had to ditch my boots for all it’s worth for the rest of my life while I sit here in my rocking chair and wait to die.”  No…she knows she can  do more, be more, IS more so she does not “accept herself the way she is”….she constantly puts herself out there and takes huge risks and allows her experiences to carve into her and shape her into a new person.  And then she does it again and again and again.  I admire that.  I more than admire that. She is amazing and I wanna be like her.  I want everyone I know to be like her and have amazing stories to tell about the fantastic life they are living.

I’m not saying we all have to go to the Amazon to live up to our potential.  But no matter what kinds of lives we have, no matter what kinds of bodies we have, no matter what kinds of people we are, no matter what our circumstances in life, I know for sure, we all have SO MUCH POTENTIAL so why aren’t  we trying harder?  I don’t mean in our careers or to get more money or bigger houses or whatever.  I’m not talking about elevating our social class or financial status.  I’m not talking about the never ending quest for perfection.   Those things are all temporary…an illusion.  No one on their death bed is going to go, “wow, I am so happy I made VP!”.

I’m talking about on a basic level, as human beings who have the power to shape the world around us, why aren’t we trying harder to constantly challenge our limits and define our desires and carve out a life we dare to imagine and fight like hell to be the best version of ourselves that we can be?  Instead of constantly rewarding ourselves for doing the bare minimum, for being mediocre, we should WANT to reach for the stars.  We should be focusing on our own internal selves instead of constantly criticizing or analyzing what we see externally.  We are so busy commenting on what we look like, what others look like and do but we don’t spend much time recognizing our own individual potential and striving to be better human beings.  At least that’s how it seems.  That’s how I feel about myself.

When I think about how I felt after I lost 100 pounds with the lap band 10 years ago, I realize I was focused on the idea of “being happy” but I never went deeper with that idea.  Happiness was all about the present moment.  I never thought about habits and I never thought about pushing myself to be more, to live up to my potential.  I didn't even think about what my potential was.  I just accepted the weight loss that came easy to me and I accepted a life of constantly being sick and a diet of ice cream and chips because they were easy to swallow and I thought I was successful and happy.  That was good enough at the time and I assumed that since I was happy in the moment that I would be happy for ever, and I felt entitled to that happiness. This thinking concerns me quite a bit and I don’t want to fall into that again so I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about what it is that would make me deeply and truly happy and how to make that happen, because I know for sure I have to work for it.  It isn’t just going to fall in my lap.

The first thing I MUST do to be deeply happy is reach my weight loss and fitness goals....this is non-negotiable.  That is really the only thing that truly matters to me right now because virtually every other thing stems from that.  Without that, everything else falls down.  If I can’t live the life I want then I’m watching others do the things I want to do, I’m watching others have the kind of sex life I want, I’m watching others get the jobs and the partners and the clothes I want.  I'm watching others have fabulous adventures and take risks.  I’m watching others reach for the stars without me.  I've got the black cloud of "what if..." following me around for the rest of my life.  I'm living with the knowledge that my demons beat me, and I cannot live with that.

People always ask me what my goal weight is.  Well, I don’t have a number.  Nor do I intend to really ever decide upon a number.  My surgeon told me the day after my surgery that if I lost 100 pounds he would consider me a success.  I’ve accomplished that, but it’s not enough.    I want more for myself than to be considered a success by my surgeon.  I want to consider myself a success too and I don’t yet.

I have a list of things I want to do, things I want to try, things I wish were physically easier, and when I can do everything on that list, and anything else that strikes my fancy in the future, without a second thought about my weight holding me back from doing so, then I will know I have reached my goal.  I’ll know it when I wake up one day, look at my body and I'm proud of what I see.  I don’t care if the medical community or other people still think I’ve overweight at that time.  I don’t care what size I wear or what the number on the scale says.  When I can live the way I want, then I’ll know I have reached my goal.  

Maybe you can understand now why I need to quiet my voice.  There is just so much noise.  It’s all good stuff to be “thinking” about but there comes a point when thinking becomes a real disadvantage….and frankly, I feel like I reached that point a long time ago.  All that “thinking” and not enough “doing” just creates turmoil and prevents me from living authentically.  Who cares which is “better” – having a habit or not, challenging myself or accepting myself?  All can exist at once.  What matters is what I actually do and what works for me as I reach for the life I want.

And on that note, here’s some of the more "practical" stuff going on with me right now:

My Green Card situation is moving along, impressively quickly for the USCIS.  As I mentioned in my last post, my GC was set to expire on July 30 and USCIS has extended it for a year to allow them time to process my application.  That means I can still work and travel without a problem but they won't issue me a new card until they're done processing my paperwork.  I need to carry the letter of extension with me along with my GC to prove my GC is still valid.  I already have an appointment in Buffalo next week for my biometrics, which is totally normal and expected.  This will be maybe the fifth or sixth time I’ve had to give USCIS my fingerprints, photograph and signature.  They ask for those every step of the way through the process. 

My cold is gone but I now have a pretty bad sunburn after spending Sunday outside all day at the air show.  It just kind of snuck up on me...it wasn't even that hot or sunny outside!  And I was wearing a hat, sunglasses, sunblock…but I had on a deep v-neck t-shirt and sat in the same spot watching demonstrations for a couple of hours.  Two hours after I got home, I realized my chest/neck, face and arms were extremely red and sore.  Ouch. I’m sure I’ll start to peel soon and won’t that be attractive.

My last blog post had double the readers of my previously highest read blog post.  Weird.  I find it kind of interesting to watch my blog stats and I often wonder why some posts do better than others.   It can't be the topic or the quality of the writing because people would still have to click on the post to know that.  Maybe it has to do with when I post or the lyrics I choose for the title…?  No idea.  I have readers from 15 countries, which kind of shocks me but it's pretty cool!

Dana, my trainer, has given me a new “walking” challenge this month of 15 miles.  Last month it was 10 and I easily did way more than that.  That’s basically my warm up miles….the time I spend on the treadmill, elliptical or rowing machine before my actual workouts with her.    I’ve also upped my training time with her from 30 minutes 3 times per week to 45 minutes 3 times per week.  And I still go on the off days and work out myself.   I want to do 6 days a week (the gym closes at 7pm on Fridays and by the time I get out of work, there is just not enough time, or I'd make it 7 days a week), but it usually ends up being 5 days a week (I sleep in on Sunday and the gym closes at noon).  I am definitely feeling a difference and seeing a difference on the scale.  This former couch potato is all in on the exercise thing….I’m a believer.

Next week I’m going to my first live boxing match at the Armory and I’m super excited about that.  I watch them on TV all the time but Dana says they are very different live.  I believe it too, ‘cos I felt that way when I went to see the Jets play live a few years ago.  I admit I am not a huge football fan.  I’ll watch it and try and figure out what’s going on, but I find it really boring in comparison to, say…hockey.  But Sam is a huge fan, so when we took a trip to NYC in 2008, we went to see a game and it was a LOT of fun.  I really enjoyed it quite a bit……It was almost worth the $700/ticket price!  But it was much more exciting than watching it on TV so I’m expecting the same from this boxing match.

The plans for my tattoos are really taking shape and I’m super excited to get the first one done.  The first, I mentioned previously, will be built around the words "True Grit".  After my last post I worked more on the sketch and scrapped the idea of the Italian version because I've  got some Italian in my second design, which will be a sleeve or half sleeve on my right arm, and honestly I didn't like the closest Italian translations I could find.  But my True Grit tattoo is going to include all kinds of elements like a barbell, Felix's face, a reference to Canada and the US and a vine-like design with stars and flowers.  It sounds weird, I know, I'm really excited by the picture I drew of it, and it's still going to be on my left forearm. 

Also in the works…my first ever motorcycle ride!  I am nervous as hell.  But kinda excited too.

Finally, I have been thinking for a while about getting a second job.  I really want the extra money so I can save more for when Sam finally kicks me out of his house.  I still haven’t decided if I’ll buy a house, rent or what, but one thing I do know is I’m gonna need money.    I didn’t want to start looking for another job until my Green Card got extended.  I knew I could find something pretty fast so it just didn’t make sense to even look if I couldn’t present documentation to show I can still legally work here. 

But while I was at my brother’s three day birthday party in Canada at the beginning of August, I met an American friend of his who is married to a Canadian girl.  So he’s going through the Canadian immigration process and we compared notes.  Surprisingly, the immigration process seems very similar in Canada and the US.  He lives in Toronto and he’s at the point right now where he can’t legally work in Canada.  He told me about how he ghostwrites as a way of making some money.  How it works is he belongs to a few American agencies.  Companies hire these agencies to write articles for them whenever they need a written piece for a trade magazine or whatever.  The company gives the agency a page of facts or statements they want included in the piece and the agency gives it to one of their freelance writers to write the piece.  The writer gives the piece back to the agency when they’re done and the agency makes sure it meets their standards.  If it does, they pay the writer $100.  My brother’s friend says he is a slow writer, as am I, but that he can write several such pieces in one week.  It’s not the kind of money he can make doing his real job when he’s allowed to work in Canada but for now it gives him some money and it's all done online through American companies so he's not breaking any rules for his immigration claim.

I was, of course, very excited to hear about this.  I had resigned myself to the idea of working my nights and weekends in a call center to make extra cash…..but it would be amazing if instead I could write and get paid for it.  My own hours, work from home (or frankly, wherever I want with my laptop) and I get to do something I really like doing.  Perfect.  So I applied to all the agencies he told me about and some others I found online too and now I’m hoping one or more of them will take me on.  I’ll keep y’all posted.

That's all for now, folks.  Until next time....

Quotes I Find Inspiring Right Now (and maybe you will too...):

• “Accepting oneself does not preclude an attempt to become better.” - Flannery O’Connor
• "Discovering who we are involves learning the difference between accidental limitations which it is our duty to outgrow and the necessary limitations of our nature beyond which we cannot trespass with impunity.” - W.H. Auden
• “The present changes the past.  Looking back, you do not find what you left behind.” – Kiran Desai
• “What’s terrible is to pretend that second rate is first rate.” – Doris Lessing
• “It’s never too late to be what you might have been.” – George Eliot
• “Don’t limit your challenges, challenge your limits.”  - Jerry Dunn
• “You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them.” – Michael Jordan
• “Excellence is not a singular act, but a habit.  You are what you repeatedly do.”  – Shaquille O’Neal
• “I am always doing that which I cannot do, so that I may learn how to do it.”  – Pablo Picasso
• “Give the world the best you have and the best will come back to you.”  –Marilyn Bridges
• “Adventure is worthwhile in itself.” – Amelia Earhart