Two months earlier, my grandmother had died (on Sam’s birthday, actually). Two weeks later, my Aunt Rose died. And between the two of them, my cat Smudge died. Just before all of that, I had been dumped by the guy I had been seeing for over a year…..my first relationship….and I loved him so desperately. I was devastated. I thought I would never love anyone again.
But life as we know it is all about movement and cycles. Nothing stays “good” or “bad” forever. And nothing is ever really all bad or all good. Good and bad can co-exist. So while I was upset, I was also in a really good place in my life. I had bought a house the year earlier and was really enjoying living completely alone for the first time ever. I was feeling very confident after having had the lap band for 3 years and losing 100 pounds. In general my life was good, but I was going through a hard time. It didn’t occur to me it would get harder before it got easier.
Just before I met Sam, I had once again been looking for casual sex to make me feel better. Maybe it was my new found confidence , maybe it bothered me to have strangers in my house, or maybe I recognized that sleeping with guys I don’t care about was just making me feel worse, not better….in any case, it didn’t last long. After a couple of weeks of that, I thought love, not sex, is what I needed to replace, so I joined eHarmony. Sam contacted me within a short time.
When he first contacted me, I almost ignored him. I thought Rochester was actually much further away from me than it was. But the thought of a long distance relationship seemed comforting. I could have the space I so badly need, and see him once every couple of weeks. He lived two hours away from me so it was no big deal to go for a drive to see him. We emailed back and forth for a few weeks, then we decided to meet. I would travel to Rochester for our first meet.
So began our great adventure together. On my way to Rochester the first time, smoke started to pour out of my car on the Peace Bridge. A weekend in the Summer......the bridge was packed. I couldn’t do anything but keep going. I spoke with Sam while I was on the bridge…the first time we had ever talked on the phone. I had a CAA membership with unlimited towing in Canada and the US…so I could get towed to Rochester or back home to Welland. He said he would try to find someone in Rochester to fix my car. It was a Saturday.
When I got up to an inspector, they waved me through and I pulled over at the Customs office. I called CAA and they told me AAA would be responding to the call since I was now on American soil. The Customs officer interviewed me while we stood there waiting for the tow truck. The tow truck showed up and the driver drove me and my car to Rochester. The driver and I talked quite a bit on that drive and I think he was seriously worried for me.
But I wasn’t worried at all….I thought the situation was hilarious. I had already faced some pretty treacherous situations in my life…what could possibly happen that I could not handle? Eventually, Sam called and told me to drop off the car at the house of a mechanic friend of one of his friends who would be willing to take a look and see if he could fix whatever the problem was. I had a Pontiac Sunfire…pretty generic car. Easy to get parts for. I thought the worst case scenario is he can’t fix it and I have to get towed home again. The tow truck driver told me what to do so that tow would also be covered if that ended up being the case. I gave the driver $100 and Sam and I said hello while the driver unhooked my car and continued to look worried.
Sam and I went for sushi in Charlotte and walked up to the lighthouse. It was the first time I had ever had sushi, believe it or not! It turned out the car repair was no big deal. The guy who fixed it was able to get the part he needed and I gave the guy $300 cash. I stayed overnight and picked up my car the next day.
Three months after we met, Sam and I took a trip to London together. One of Sam’s dogs became very sick right before we left and needed surgery. She would be in the hospital recovering which would leave his other dog home alone while we were gone. One of my cats that I had just adopted around the same time I met Sam died after an illness and her brother would also be alone while I was gone. In spite of all this, we went to London anyway…Sam’s first time, my second.
It’s kind of surprising one of us didn’t kill the other while we were away. It’s even more surprising we stayed together after that trip. We had some fun but we only had five days in London and I think we both felt resentful for not being able to just do and see whatever we wanted. We both felt held back by the other person. Also, I am a direct person…I don’t hide my feelings well. I don’t see the point in doing that. I don’t try to be rude….I just believe in expressing myself….but sometimes it does come across as rude. Sam is more…….polite and restrained. He got frustrated with me and would become passive aggressive. I got frustrated with him and would become just aggressive. But we stayed together. And adventure became the framework for our relationship.
A year later, I started to have trouble with my lap band. It was no longer providing any restriction at all and I steadily began to gain weight. (I wrote a post about that last September so I don’t want to repeat myself too much.) But I completely relied on the lap band to control my eating. I could have lost more weight with it if I had exercised and was more disciplined with my diet but I wasn’t motivated to change my lifestyle at all. I just took the weight loss for granted as a guaranteed outcome of weight loss surgery and mistakenly believed I would never have to worry about putting on weight again. I had not done any work on myself or changed my habits in anyway or analyzed my own responsibility in terms of my obesity. I had given all the power to the lap band and I had no strength of my own. I forgot that life is all about cycles and I took my happiness and weight loss success for granted.
I lived that way for three years, struggling to get my weight back to where I was, desperately grasping for the control I had felt when I first got the lap band, my happy life slipping through my fingers. My weight gain started to affect every party of my life, including my shaky relationship with Sam. By this time we had started to plan our future life together and wedding planning, moving and the immigration process took over as my priorities in life. Around this time, my mom also got sick and was diagnosed with early onset dementia. The year leading up to her diagnosis was hell for me and my dad. Also, after I bought my house, creditors started to give me much more credit than I could handle and I did not restrain myself. With the salary I made, I could barely afford the basic day to day life I was supporting. I definitely could not afford to date Sam so I put everything on credit….gas back and forth to Rochester, eating out, trips we took together…everything….and I had way more debt than I could handle.
Suddenly, everything got really serious and it no longer seemed like a big adventure. It was more like a big disaster. Sam and I talked about how we each wanted to escape our own lives. Just pack up essentials in our car and drive away from it all….the wedding, immigration, our houses, our families, each other. Maybe we should have. But we both stuck with it and by the time we got married, I had regained half of the 100 pounds I lost with the lap band.
By the time I finally moved to the States in October 2011, I knew my journey with the lap band was over and that, in terms of my weight, I was well on my way to “rock bottom” again. I decided that once I got to Rochester, I would search for a bariatric clinic, have the band removed and try another kind of weight loss surgery, with a doctor I could trust. At the time I had not heard of gastric sleeve surgery. I thought I would be going for gastric bypass.
Sam was not very happy about this idea. He really didn’t want me to have surgery. He didn’t know a lot about weight loss surgery but he knew enough to be scared by it. But he knew me well enough to know I was going to have surgery whether he liked it or not. And as the months went on, I gained more and more weight and he saw my mobility become impaired, he saw my depression get worse and he was astounded by just how miserable I became. I knew I in no way resembled the person he met that first time as the tow truck driver unhooked my car. He really didn’t know what to do with me anymore. My weight was taking a serious toll on not just my health and mental state but also on us.
After moving to the US, I could not work until USCIS (United States Citizen and Immigration Services) granted my application for work authorization and residency (a Green Card), which I could not apply for until I moved to the States and Sam and I had gotten legally married in New York. It took 4 months for them approve my application. Until that time, I was also not eligible to collect Employment Insurance from Canada so I had no money coming in at all. During this time, I was not allowed to leave the United States or I would give up my immigration claim. I was terrified something would happen to someone in my family and I would not be able to leave the country to see them.
I had sold my car in Canada because it was easier than trying to import a 14 year old car whose manufacturer no longer exists. (You need a letter from the manufacturer for a car of a certain age to say it meets certain standards or you can’t register the car or get insurance for it.) For the first time since I was 17, I had no wheels of my own. Sam’s small house was ridiculously crowded with his stuff, my stuff and our combined 2 dogs and 3 cats.
Since I was the one at home, I settled into this kind of “little woman at home” kind of role and I completely hated it. I hated the house in general and I just felt so claustrophobic all the time - from my physical surroundings, from my own body, from living and sharing space with another person again, from not being allowed to leave the country, from being married when I had not resolved my marriage issues in my own head, from not having the kind of freedom a vehicle provides and from our completely different lifestyles….. I like to stay up really late; Sam goes to bed early and gets up early, so neither of us was getting any sleep. I really felt trapped and I don’t think he was all that thrilled either. The reality of living together was a world away from the adventures of dating we had enjoyed and it was a bit of a shock, to say the least.
My plan was to have bypass surgery before I started working. Someone I know from Canada had bypass surgery at Highland Hospital. I assumed they were the only bariatric clinic in town, without doing any research. So I called them. Every single time I called them, I waited on hold for half an hour just to speak with someone. When I finally did speak with someone, they didn’t seem to know what to do with me since I already had a lap band. I called several times before I spoke with someone who could give me a plan of action and tell me how to see a surgeon. I didn’t even have a Primary Care Physician yet so the clinic told me to get a doctor and get my surgical notes from my lap band surgery, then call them back.
I got my Green Card in the mail at the beginning of February 2012. I had also started to get Employment Insurance from Canada and had a claim for 6 months so I had some, but not a lot of money coming in. Sam wanted me to take my time looking for work since I had six months before my EI stopped, but I wanted my own car, I wanted to get out of the house, I did not want to be stuck at home anymore, so I started applying for work right away. It was pretty clear at this point that I would not be able to get weight loss surgery before I started working anyway.
I had done lots of research online while I still lived in Canada and targeted a handful of companies, including Pictometry, as places I wanted to work when I got to Rochester so I focused my job search on those companies. Within a few weeks, I had 4 interviews and 4 offers of employment, all of which I turned down. I really could not believe how little money these companies were offering…less than I had made in over 10 years! Finally I realized I needed to adjust my expectations. I couldn’t expect things to be the same in the US as they had been in Canada and I was discovering some major differences…..wages (lower in the US), the cost of houses (lower in the US), property taxes (higher in the US for fewer services). In mid-April, I accepted a job working at Pictometry.
Sam got a pretty good tax return that year so we decided to drive down to Florida to see Sam’s parents before I started working. We took our time getting down there, made a point of taking a different route and going off the beaten path on the familiar drive. We stopped in Charleston, SC for a night. We went to Miami and the Everglades and drove up the East coast of Florida on the way home. We really tried to get some sense of adventure back in our relationship and lighten things up between us.
When we got back, finding a Primary Care physician took months. I went to a few different Primary Care physicians and decided against them for one reason or another. I finally just went to Sam’s doctor. I wasn’t happy with him either but for the sake of moving this thing forward, he was good enough. I wouldn’t be able to get anywhere with surgery if I didn’t have a PCP.
Getting the surgical notes from my lap band surgery from the Canadian clinic proved easier than I thought. They told me years ago that they had no records on me, so I was very surprised that they did in fact have my surgery notes all these years later. But it took three requests for these notes. Highland wanted them faxed directly to them so I’d call the Toronto clinic to request them, then Highland to see if they got them. Half an hour wait on hold. No, you didn’t get them? Call the Toronto clinic again, then Highland again…wait on hold for half an hour. No, you still didn’t get them? This whole routine happened on three different occasions, all while I was at work where I had no privacy at all. So people around me at work all became aware of what was happening. I had no idea where the breakdown was occurring but I was getting really ticked off so finally I got the surgery notes emailed to me personally and then I personally printed them out and brought them to Highland.
So I was finally able to book an appointment with Highland. For June. Another months long wait. When I finally went to the appointment, a number of things happened that told me this was not the right hospital for me. I don’t want to get sued so I won’t go into detail… but I didn’t feel at all confident in their level of care or comfortable with the surgeon and staff. I was upset that I had invested so much time in this hospital and really felt they jerked me around. I left in the middle of the appointment in a big angry huff……walked right out after telling both the surgeon and his mediocre assistant off. The receptionist tried to give me back my co-pay but I didn’t stop for it.
I don’t know why I thought Highland was the only game in town…probably part of that “all or nothing” thinking I’m guilty of. Sam did a quick search online and found that Rochester General Hospital also has a bariatric clinic. The surgeons hold public information seminars every month, so Sam and I registered for the next one, and heard one of the surgeons, Dr. DiBenedetto, speak. At this point, Sam was still not hugely overjoyed about the idea of my having surgery but he was trying to be the supportive husband, so he came with me.
About half way through Dr. D’s spiel I realized I wanted him to be my doctor. He is very soft spoken, but extremely confident, calm, and really knowledgeable. He’s also very direct, which I always appreciate. He discussed the different types of weight loss surgery, which is how I heard about the gastric sleeve. I was leaning towards bypass before I walked into the seminar. But when he described what the sleeve is and how it works, I knew that was the right choice for me. He talked about why dieting doesn’t work for most people who are obese. He really understood the struggle with obesity and believed that surgery, accompanied by a change in lifestyle can be the difference between life and death.
He had case studies and information packets for us to read. He had stats to back up his record. He answered questions without judgment and didn’t close it like a sales guy would. He didn’t ask you to have surgery. His presentation was very much like, “Here are the facts. Here’s what I’ll do for you. Here’s what you’ll do for me. The choice is yours.” He didn’t seem motivated by greed, he seemed like he actually cared about how successful his patients were.
After the seminar, I spoke with Dr. D about my situation. He had his assistant book me an appointment right away for a lap band consultation. Since the lap band had worked for me once before, he wanted to see if it could work again. Since I trusted him, and since the band was such an expensive device, I decided to go along with him and give it one more shot.
A few days later, I saw him in his office. He completely de-filled my band so he could see how much saline I had. Since I was experiencing some pretty severe acid reflux at night, he left the band un-filled for a month to allow any inflammation to clear up. I went for four fills after that and still did not feel any restriction. In the end, it was a tight fill…as much as I have ever had. I should have had some restriction, but I didn’t. I could eat anything…..and as much of anything as I wanted. (The lap band is mysterious device. It works for some people, not for others. And it works sometimes but not all the time.) And my acid reflux had returned with a vengeance.
So that was it. He was now also convinced my lap band had failed and in October 2012, I officially became his revision patient.
Bariatric surgery (weight loss surgery, or WLS) is not a quick and easy solution for weight loss. It is a very long process, and it was even longer for me because of my lap band. Before deciding to have surgery, you need to be 100% committed to changing your life or you’ll end up just like I did with the lap band. The surgery won’t do it all for you. The surgery can fail. The surgery can be successful but if you make the wrong choices, you can screw yourself over by consuming too many calories. The surgery can help you lose weight but it won’t help you keep it off. You need to be prepared to act as though you are not having surgery at all….as if you are losing weight completely on your own. All the surgery does is give you an extra edge.
The point is to give you a good start but you need to keep the momentum going on your own. It requires a huge commitment, investment of time and money (even if it is covered by your insurance, all your co-pays can really hurt), patience and a support system. A lot of people choose to keep their surgery private and don’t tell anyone they had it done. Personally, I don’t see how that can work. I don’t know how I could have done this without my workplace being on board. I was new to the company…they didn’t know me, they had no reason to excuse me while I ran off to yet another appointment. I have spent the last two years going to doctors’ offices….the entire time I have been employed at Pictometry. I have had at least four medical appointments related to weight loss surgery every month.
I also don’t know if I could have done it without Sam’s support. Even though our relationship was completely broken down by the time my surgery happened, and even though he wasn’t completely thrilled with the idea to begin with, he stuck by me and supported me as I started this new adventure on my own.
Someone recently asked me how I could feel ok revealing so many personal things in this blog. I think I’ve said before, I’m not just trying to be provocative or exhibitionist. I feel like this is part of the growth process for me….that by revealing myself and being vulnerable, I will be stronger for it.
Sure, it’s weird. I don’t know who has read my blog and who hasn’t, who in my “real life” knows what about me and many people I see every day know me much better than I know them as a result. I know I’m giving a lot of information many people probably don’t find relevant to my weight loss surgery process. A lot of people want to see before and after pictures, see food journals and exercise logs and measurement and weight comparisons, but for me, those are all really superficial things and not at all important to how happy or successful I will be for the rest of my life.
I kind of think of this like getting a new roof. When I got my roof done at my old house, it had 4 layers and had never been torn down to the bare bones and the house was 100 years old. Which means every time a new roof was put on, it was put on top of the previous roof, which was weak and didn’t provide a strong base for the new roof. Each new layer just made the whole thing weaker and weaker.
So talking about all this personal stuff is me tearing myself down to the bare bones. I want to make sure my foundation is strong and that means checking myself. The only way to do that is to lay myself bare so my weaknesses are no longer hidden...mostly from myself. Writing helps me uncover these weaknesses and publishing it means I can’t hide and pretend I don’t have weaknesses. In a sense, I am re-starting my adult life. I don’t regret any of the choices I have made up to this point because they brought me right here to this point. But from this point on, I'd like things to be different than they have been.
Random Stuff:
·
I was attacked (?) by
a big black lab when I was about 6. Is it
called being attacked when you wander into your neighbour’s back yard to try
and play with a chained up, barking dog?
In any case, I was bitten multiple times on my face, arms and legs.
·
The dog’s owner was
schizophrenic and was known as “Crazy John” on our street. Crazy John would
walk up and down the street in his underwear at all hours playing the harmonica.
·
The dog was always
tied up and I knew he was not friendly but on this day, I decided to try and
play with him anyway. I was convinced he would like me if only he knew me.
·
I don’t really
remember the attack itself, but I remember my neighbour carried me home to my parents all bloody and crying and
they took me to the hospital where I got stitches.
·
I have a small scar
under my nose and above my lip from the attack.
I don’t think I have others, but it’s hard to tell since I have so many
other scars.
·
That event did not
make me afraid of dogs. Not even afraid
of that dog. I would have tried
to play with him again but my neighbour put up a very tall fence after that. Not so crazy, if you ask me.
·
Nothing happened to
the dog. My parents knew it wasn’t the
dog’s fault. We always had dogs of our
own and they knew the deal.
·
Crazy John died sitting
on his front porch listening to music when I was in my 20’s. No one even noticed for a day. He didn’t have any family or friends and even
though he lived on our street for 30 years, the neighbours stayed away from
him. His is a very sad story.
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